Dear John
You asked me to send you some information on accountability.
Point 1: You have to stop watching the images, videos, internet sites, TV shows.
We did discuss this. I am glad that you have taken the responsibility. Remember, your wife is your partner in the process. She is neither responsible for your porn use; nor can she police your activities. This complete withdrawal may feel painful at the beginning, remember Christ’s words:
Mark 9:47 “..And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell,”
Even the apostle Paul struggled to keep his body in check!
1 Corinthians:27 “No, I strike a blow to my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize.”
As a child of the divine God you are free and empowered to fight this sin: Romans 6:1-11 [vrs 11 “count yourselves dead to sin but alive to God in Christ Jesus.”]
Accountability software may not stop your desire for porn, but it can be a deterrent. Get one installed.
Point 2: Find yourself accountability mentors:
Having acknowledge that pornography use is a sexual sin and not worthy of a Christian. You should then bring yourself to confess this. You need to follow the admonition of James and confess sins rather than hiding them. As a married man this confession needs to be made to your wife and to another wiser older Christian man.
James 5:16 “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
And remember that as a Christian you live under God’s grace. Christ dies in our place, bearing our guilt so that there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Rom. 8:1). There is no condemnation for porn users, adulterers, sexually immoral people who are in Christ Jesus. Hang on to this truth.
Place the sin at the cross. Claim the forgiveness. Determine to change:
1 John 1:8-10 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word is not in us.”
Your accountability mentors are people who can walk the walk with you as you heal.
Hebrews 3:13 “But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called ‘Today’, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.”
What characteristics should these mentors have?
- It is best you have at least three, preferably older men. This would increase the likelihood of one of them being available at any time you need help.
- They should be committed Christians
- It would be good if one at least has struggled with some form of sexual sin himself.
- They should be willing and available for you to text, email or call at ANY time.
How should it work?
- You text call when you feel the urge to watch.
- They talk you through and pray with you
- If you don’t call them over a set period – they call/text to ask how you’re going.
- You call them if you slip and they pray you through that too.
- They receive the results of your web browsing history.
- You meet either one to one or as a group regularly to talk, read the bible and pray. You could use the attached discussion guide as an adjunct to your meeting.
* Your wife cannot be your ‘accountability partner’ or police your activities.
Point 3: Journalling – Keep a journal of what CUES you or TRIGGERS the desire/urge.
- Work out replacement activities: Work out something else that you can do at that time. Find activities that are physical and exciting.
- Journal how this replacement activity worked (or did not).
- Write these down. Think of others. Discuss this with your mentors.
Point 4: Reflect and reward:
Been off porn for a week? Month? Six months? Reward yourself. Do something you enjoy. If you are married, do it with your wife.
The Covenant Eyes web site has excellent resources: Check these out: Accountability Questions
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